June 7, 2008

It's been two years. Two years ago today we lost you. Looking through my photo albums is like a double-edged sword. It brings me such joy and laughter as I am reminded of the times we spent together and yet it makes me so angry that you are gone and we don't have you anymore. I shake my head.

If you didn't know it, you are missed. The mere thought of having a step-mother made the hairs on my head stand up. I was in the 8th grade when you and dad got married. I wasn't even allowed to go to your wedding. I don't remember much of our early years except for the fact that we played LOTS of tricks on you. That I didn't like you. That, at that tender age, I felt like you were just trying to replace my mother and have someone to boss around. But, as the years went on and I slowly matured, I began to see that you really were a friend, a confidant, a supporter, an ally, a team member against the evil one (dad!). You spoke up for us, you defended us, and you loved us.

My freshest memories are of you and your grandchildren. Wow. It brings a smile to my face. Remembering you. Watching you with all your grandkids. Yeah, I know there were times when they drove you nuts and the volume in your house was much more than you could stand. That you had to just retire to your room for several hours to get some peace and quiet. But you were wonderful to them and they miss you too.

We are left with a void, still. We wonder when it will get better. Time heals we are told. Maybe, someday, it will be less painful. But we will never forget and we will keep your memory alive, for them, Anthony, Jacob, Alyssa, Olivia, Madelyn, Gabrielle, Camille, Rosemary and even Gianna. Because they will never forget their Grammy Pammy.

We love you.

Line In The Sand?

Soft, pliable, easily washed away. Sand.

It's an old adage. Why is it that people draw lines in the sand? Is it because it's easy. Is it because it's comfortable. Is it because it doesn't hurt and is without consequence. Is it because lines can be quickly drawn. Or is it because it can be easily moved. I believe all of it but mostly the latter.

It's been an interesting road. I don't even think I can count the number of times that I've moved that line.

'I'll allow it to get to this point and then stop.'

'I'm sure I'll never allow it to go this far.'

'If this ever happens, then it has to be over.'

Still, I crossed those lines, waited for the tide to come in to wash the line away and then jumped with both feet into new territory and drew a new line. And look where it has gotten me.

Those lines in the sand WERE easy. Those lines in the sand WERE comfortable. Those lines in the sand DIDN'T hurt and WERE without consequence. They WERE quickly drawn. And they most definitely COULD be easily moved.

I'm doing something different now. I'm trying out a new medium.

concrete

Concrete won't be easy. It won't be comfortable. It will hurt and it will have consequence. It will take a long time to draw. And once it's set, it won't be moved. It will hurt like nothing else has hurt in my life. It will leave scars because I will bleed. Those scars will take a long time to heal. But they will heal, I am confident of that. And once time has elapsed and my wounds have disappeared, I will always remember because I will have a constant reminder. But that line will be set, because it's in concrete, never to be crossed again.

What It Is

Why is that you go along in life thinking that you are so happy, then one day it all changes? I had felt that way for so long. I never said that 'other shoe' mentality wasn't there, cause it was, i just ignored it cause i was so happy with where i was in life. What could take it away? well, i found out.

I had always been the responsible one. The one that EVERYONE could depend on. I guess you could say it was, who I was. I was trained that way. One slip up could mean days of silent treatments or snide remarks. So, I decided to play it safe. And safe is how I played it. My entire life. Until one day, I had had enough. No more being the good one. No more doing what everyone else wanted. No more obeying the rules. I didn't want it anymore. I've been told that I never had a chance to have an adolescence. I guess they are right, cause I didn't. I didn't have time to get in trouble. I had a family to raise and care for. So, why do it when you are 37 years old, have a husband of 14 years and three children. Don't no. Ask Pam. She started it.

I never had time to find me. What I wanted. What made ME happy. But when I finally sat back and looked, I found it. And unfortunately, one person embodied that new change. It was wrapped in this one person. What I loved was rekindled. Cause when I was young, it was bad. My parent looked down on it, made fun of it, made fun of me. It was my passion and that parent didn't care-just stay out of trouble. What that parent didn't realize is that that passion is the ONLY reason I did stay out of trouble. So, here we are, this one person in my present reminds me how much I loved this passion and that at my age, I could still have it and have it better. And that's what I went for. Regardless of what everybody else felt. I didn't care anymore. I gave up fighting the old me who had to follow the rules. I just didn't care. I went for it. And found something that I had never experienced before, in more ways than one.... and that's where it got complicated.

What's important is that it's all gone, all of it. And I am almost forced back to the old me... i STILL don't want it anymore. I have no control of that. So, what do I do. I do what I do best. Go back to what I can control since all of it is out of control. I can control how I look. I can still go to the tanning booth to stay golden. I can watch what I eat so I stay slim. I WILL avoid gaining what I don't need. I WILL stay in tuned with my passion for as long as possible and then I will seek alternatives to stay toned so I can jump back in as soon as possible.

But what makes me so sad is those things that I can't control. Cause they are gone. Never to be had again. And that is tearing me apart. It's madness. Really, it is. Where's my straitjacket? I need one, i'm telling you. I'm not the same me. I never will be. I don't know if I will ever recover. And I guess that's okay but then where do I go from here. That's the million dollar question folks. Cause I don't know where to go. I get glimpses of me, the things that would make me smile and they still make me smile. But those moments are few. I would say that I'm truly lost. Searching for someone who isn't there anymore and trying my hardest to let go of those things I am forced to let go of - they aren't healthy I tell myself. They aren't healthy for you to be able to find you again. Telling my mind is easy - it's my heart I'm having a hard time convincing.

Come Back To Me

It's amazing how fast your life can change. You go along and then BAM one day everything is different. I've always waited for the other shoe to drop and I think the entire closet just unloaded on me. The time is now. How is is that you think you know what you want, you get it, and then you don't want it anymore? How do you handle that? I just don't know. I don't have the answers now. I sure wish I did.

I heard this song on XM last week and came home immediately to find the lyrics. It's called "Come Back To Me" by David Cook. This is what I need.

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror
Looking back at you

You say you're leavin
As you look away
I know theres really nothin left to say
Just know i'm here
Whenever you need me
I'll wait for you

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

Take your time i wont go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

I can't get close if your not there
I can't get inside if theres no soul to bear
I can't fix you i can't save you
Its something you have to do

So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me
Come back to me
So i'll let you go
I'll set you free
And when you see what you need to see
When you find you come back to me

And i hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you come back to me

When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me
When you find you come back to me

Taking Some Lessons From Alanis

It's been fourteen years of investment

It's been one foot in and one foot out

It's been fourteen days full of shit

And I feel snuffed out

It's been 36 years of restraining

Of trying to control this tumult

How I did invest in such fantasy

But my nervous system has worn out

I feel done

I feel raked over coals

I've repeated this dance ad nauseaum

There's still something to learn that I've not

I"m told to see this as divine perfection

But my bones don't feel this perfection

I"ve spent my life hovering above bottom

Thinking I can't survive whats below

But I've known through the kicking and screaming

That there was no other direction to go

I feel done

I feel raked over coals

And all that remains is the case

That it's a bitch to grow up

I Skipped Christmas

Deserved

Today was a special day for Miss Olivia. She has been working particularly hard on a gymnastics skill on the uneven bars and finally mastered it. As a reward, we took her and a fellow gymnast out to get a special manicure and pedicure. She was all about it and looked so grown up sitting there with her feet in the little tub. I know she was in her glory.

CONGRATULATIONS OLIVIA!!!