Waving the white flag

Yes, believe it or not, I am not post dating nor am I changing the time that I am writing this. If I am up at 4 a.m., it isn't because I can't sleep, it's because the Mexican I had for dinner is kicking me in the butt. And, on top of that, some little birdie told me I might as well just write and then maybe I can go back to bed.

I'm not exactly sure what color flag that I need to be waving. The proverbial "white flag" is for surrendering and I'm not sure that is what I'm doing. What flag do you wave when you refuse to have your boundaries crossed. Maybe it's the proverbial "drawing the line in the sand". Maybe that's what I'm doing. You see, I've done this in the past. I took her poor soul into my house after my mother drew her line in the sand. But I didn't do it for you, I did it for the innocent child you were dragging around in your lifestyle. You knew the conditions of our agreement and yet, you still insisted on crossing that line. And to your surprise, at that moment, I drew MY line in the sand. Maybe you've never forgiven me for that. I feel like I continue to pay for it and you just have added things over the last 11 years to your "Look What Jenn Did To Me" little black book that you carry around with you. And it's happened again. What entry did you put in your book this time??

786. Jenn convinced my husband that committing welfare fraud wasn't in our best interest.

OR

787. Jenn told my husband to run after me the night that I wanted to commit suicide.

OR

788. Jenn is trying to control me (see entry #1,35,84,193,375,399,478,600).

OR

789. Jenn is treating me like a child (see entry #4,78,123,364,587,690).

You might as well put your black book away because I'm not going to give you anymore reasons to use it. DING You're wish has come true. I'll leave you alone. I'll stay out of your life. I will stop caring and worrying and wondering why it is you make the choices that you do. Talk about controlling - how about you stop controlling my emotions by making me worry half to death each time you take a trip off the deep end. I mean, if we are all being fair here, if I'm not controlling you, you can no longer control me either. What you fail to realize is how much I love you. While you've been fervently adding those entries to your black book, I still sit here and take the anger and resentment you hand out. I still bend over and take it and still love you. But that doesn't matter to you. You still add those entries and for some reason, it always gets turned around and ends up being my fault. Can you tell me why? When did it become my fault?? I don't remember making those destructive life choices for you.

And here we are again, right around the corner from another holiday. Do you have a Holiday Clock that goes off around this time and you insist on making sure the limelite is on you?? It sure seems that way. It is sort of amusing how the stars lined up this year. I mean, if Turkey Day had been at mom's house, she surely would have continued to put up with what you dish out. But it looks like you drew the short straw this year. Turkey Day is at my house. And dearie, here is where I draw the line. I don't want your drama here. I don't want you waltzing into my house all wrapped up in your attitude and have to pretend like that is okay. Not this time. I did that once over the summer. Not again. Isn't the definition of insanity, "Doing the same thing over and over again and each time expecting a different result."? I'm not insane. And yes, any other time, I would gladly accept your husband and children into my home but not this time. I don't want to look into the eyes of the sad refugees of the war you have created in your home. I'm done picking up your pieces. I can't do it anymore.

790. Jenn says she doesn't want my drama at her house for Thanksgiving.

Maybe some day, I'll stop being blamed for everything that goes wrong in your life. But for now, I'm taking a leave of absence from being your scapegoat. I'm walking away, I'm drawing the line in the sand, I'm waving my little white flag. I'm through. You will never understand what you do to me, how much you hurt me, how each time you go off the deep end, you add another rift in our sisterhood. Don't' worry, there are family members out there who will continue to take what you dish out and continue on with the wool pulled over their eyes. For they bore you. I didn't. Apparently, I'm just your sister. And that doesn't mean anything to you. That's fine. I will cling to the other branch of our sisterhood and we will become strong waiting for our weaker branch to get strong again and realize the truth.