At the request of my daughter, we took a trip back to Cleveland last weekend. Maybe I should clarify that - my daughter wouldn't stop "beaking" about how she missed her old room, her Sunday school class, her old house, her old friends and most of all her best bud in the world, J.J. When I say "beaking", I am referring to the high pitched, fast talking, chitter chatter that my daughter seems to emulate at most times. She wouldn't stop "beaking" about Cleveland. Since we've moved I have encouraged the kids to talk about the things they miss and then to start focusing on the new things we have here. I've encouraged them to keep in contact with their old friends but to leave room to make new ones here. It got to a point weeks ago with my Olivia that I actually yelled at her, during one of her missing home times, that we weren't going back to our old house, get used to this one and move on. I felt awful for it but felt that I was at my wits end at trying to get her to accept our move and move on. That's when I realized that maybe a trip back to our old territory might be what she needed. I had made a trip back in the fall but for just a day and made an effort to stay away from driving down our old street and looking at our old house. It wasn't to bad and didn't hurt to much. For some reason, this time I was a little more concerned about the effect a trip back might have on me.
Since the holidays, this move has become much harder than I thought. It's not so much that I miss my friends but more the familiarity and connectedness of OH. I miss going to the grocery store and knowing the ladies at the deli counter, knowing where the post boxes are, knowing the backroads well enough to maneuver around an accident, the coziness of our home and how our house looks as the seasons change. I know what I need to do here in order to establish those feelings and I'm pretty proud of myself for stepping right in and doing the things I need to do to make this place home. I guess it's just not happening fast enough. It's that type A personality coming out, I want it my way in my time. Not this time though. It's been 5 months and although life isn't horrible, it still isn't perfect.
I figured that going back to OH might be a good hurdle to jump over. As we got closer and closer to those familiar highways, I had an overwhelming sense of sadness. My heart just ached. Ached for what used to be, for that familiarity of those 10 years of my life. The kids were elated to be able to recognize where we were and where we were going. Our first stop was to see our J.J. at her school. To see the girls in her arms again brought a great sense of relief to me and I'm sure brought overwhelming peace to the girls hearts. She had been the one that they missed the most and the one that they really needed to see. It seemed that Olivia had formed this sense that OH had just fallen off the face of the earth. That we had taken her from her only home and now it didn't exist. I guess that is the reality that is formed in a 6 year old child's mind. Being there, in J.J.'s arms, being held by her hero, I knew that her reality would be changed now. That she would know that even though we moved away, OH and the things she knew, still existed.
For me, I had some people to visit and places to see (mostly shopping places). All I can say after my experience, is that life goes on. Things change, regardless of the fact that I have moved on and I want things to stay the same, people and things move on. A few new buildings went up in our old town, they finished working on the bridge and opened both lanes up, a new restaurant was built in the mall parking lot. But not only physical things, relationships move on and change. Those that I was so proud of and so connected too became something I don't want to be a part of anymore. Places of fellowship become more of a social breeding ground and miss the purpose of their existence. I was surprised to feel these things. I didn't expect them. It's funny how sometimes your own expectations of a situation can change your whole reality. I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I was able to see these friendships and situations in a new light. It makes me realize that maybe there isn't as much to come back to as I thought. I still don't feel connected in our new home or even very familiar with this place but at least I'm trying and putting myself out there in new situations and relationships. It's weird because I'm not connected to anything now. In time that will change but what a weird place to be in my life - disconnected.
Here are some pictures of the kids and some of their old friends.
The kids and their J.J.
Kara and Kyle
Olivia and Catherine
Spencer and William
Gabi and her future husband
