My Point of View

Finally, the rest I deserve. This is what I"m going to look at for the next 3 days. My feet, propped up on a picnic table (next to a pool, I might add), staring into the lush green mountains.

Finally a chance to just sit and be.

SCREEEEECH!!!!

If I were a car, that is how I would be feeling right now.

Put on the brakes.

STOP!!!

I need to slow down.

The time is flying by me and my summer is coming to an end way to fast.

Help!!

Is it helping??

If I close my eyes, pretend to be holding onto a steering wheel and slamming my feet on the ground like I were pressing on brakes in my car -

could I stop??

No, I guess not.

School starts for us next week and can you tell that I'm not ready for that day to day commitment. I have enjoyed my summer laziness and not having to worry about lesson planning, kids in bed on time, setting my alarm (vomiting a little in my mouth here) and having a hectic school day.

I need to recharge from my summer and get stuck somewhere were the only thing I can do is sit and do nothing. Soak it in and just stop for a minute. Get a grip and gear up for what is lying ahead 6 days from now.

Luckily, that time is coming up this weekend.

Runway Divas and Dude

The kids participated in a mall fashion show at the mall that I worked at. They modeled for Gymboree, the children's clothing store that I work for. They had two shows, the girls did the first one (Jake was at his football game)- the girls are second and third from the left-

and all three of them did the second - Jake is in the back row in the orange, Olivia is the first one from the right in the back row and Gabi is in the front row in the stripes.

The girls were a tad nervous for the first show and a little intimidated by all the people and the older models that were there. But they held their own and looked absolutely adorable up on the runway. For the second show, they had relaxed a little and Mr. Jake was my nervous one. Gabi became so relaxed that she waved most of the way down the runway and then refused to turn around and go back. Does she have a future in NY??

A Final Reflection

If you haven't read the previous reflections, do that now.

I can't believe I made it to this day. One year ago, our life was being unloaded from a BEKINS truck into our new home.

They arrived early and left late. They had told us that it would take half the time to unload the truck that it took to load it. Well, let's do the math. It took them 9 hours to load the truck back in Cleveland and it took them 10 hours to unload the truck here in Pennsylvania. Does that sound right?? 'Cause half of 9 isn't 10!!

I was in my element one year ago today. I could finally take some control over a very uncontrollable situation. I could tell the movers where I wanted stuff and I could start digging into boxes and setting my life up. For a moment, I could forget about the painful last few days, the rawness of the spot that the band-aid was ripped off of. That part was finally over. In my mind, I couldn't see past August 16, 2005. And I had made it to the next day, that was a start. I didn't know what my life would allow me here and I didn't dare entertain the thoughts. September, October, November and so on didn't exist in my mind.

Now in the present, it feels the same way. I have said for months that I look forward to our one year anniversary. To the time where events would no longer be new. That I wouldn't have to guess where to go get my pumpkin or frantically drive around looking for a place to buy my Christmas tree or wonder what the house looked like in the snow. I perservered through this year trying to get to this date. And now, I have made it. As a matter of fact, I've made it one day past. And just like last year, I hadn't allowed myself to look forward to the upcoming months. I just wanted to make it through the first year. You know what?? I did. I did it.

pat on the back

I made it through the first year. I not only made it through, I made it through well and with flying colors. I am proud of me, of us, of my family for jumping in with both feet. We have friends and play dates and a homeschool group, and an unpacked house, and a great uncle who looks after us and goes fishing with the boys, and people to invite to parties, and a place to worship, and we know how to get to the mall via the backroads. How great is that?? We've accomplished so much.

As I sit at Jake's football scrimmage this evening, I am overwhelmed with a sense of peace. A peace that I have not felt for a very long time. That peace brought with it a sense of belonging. We belong here, sitting on the sidelines watching the game, the girls doing cartwheels in front of us, enjoying the scenery of being down at the canal, the green grass and mature green trees as the foreground to the beautiful sunset. We look around and actually know the names of many of the football players, coaches and parents. Why?? We've been here before. We actually know these people. And I don't know a better cure for those feelings of being disconnected and not belonging. How I cherish these feelings. For they have been extinct from my being for a year. I can now look forward to the upcoming months with a new perspective. I know where I'm going for the moment. I've been there, done that. I know what to expect from the fall and the places I want to be and the things I want to be doing.

I am grateful to finally belong.

Reflections #4

If you haven't read #1, #2 or #3, I suggest you do that.

We were exhausted from arriving at Tom's uncle's house at 3:15 a.m. after taking a 3 a.m. stop at our new house. The kids were in their pj's and barefeet. They had never seen their new home before and for that matter, neither had Tom. I had been several times during the summer to check on the progress so I was aware of what it looked like. Whatever neighbors were living in their homes by then and awake that early, were probably wondering what kind of neighbors they had just acquired!! By the time we got to Tom's uncle's house, we were ready to crash. I didn't sleep much that morning. We had to be up early and out the door to get back to the house to do our pre-settle walk through. It was raining and dreary that day just as it is today. Our walk through was a disaster and by the time it was over, I wanted to rip someone's head off for giving me a gas stove instead of the electric one that I ordered. I can't stand cooking with gas and still can't one year later. As a matter of fact, today on our real one year anniversary, I burnt the butter part of my chicken sauce because of the gas stove!! How ironic!

And today would be the day that we actually signed the paperwork and actually owned our home. This would be the nite that my mom and Tom's uncle would bring over some celebratory sparkling cider and would pop the cork and make our first hole in the ceiling. This would be the night, one year ago, that we had two blow up mattresses, one in the master bedroom and one in Olivia's room, and we spent the night without any other furniture.

And here, in this present year, we would commemorate by actually eating dinner in the dining room. My brave sister delivered my dining room hutch and table and after one year, I have set that room up to actually be a dining room and not just a thrown together school room. Notice the chandelier - for one year it has been pinned up to the ceiling and never been let down. This was done by the builders and we haven't touched it until today. Now, it has been released and allowed to function in its role.

ONE YEAR AGO

PRESENT DAY

I also made sure that this poor clock and shelf got put up on the wall before this day. You see, this poor clock is an heirloom from T's family and the shelf was made by my grandfather and is an heirloom from my family. This poor clock has been sitting on the kitchen counter since it got unpacked from the truck, chiming away and reminding me that it would really like a home. The shelf has been sitting on the half wall between the kitchen and family room since it was unpacked from the box. In this picture it is all the way to the left of me and Jake. We have used it as a place to hang our furry marionettes.

The clock is behind my mom on the left of the picture.

And now, finally, after one entire year, we have brought both of them together to their final resting place in our house.

TADA!!!!!!!

I should also make mention of the fact that there is now wallpaper border and sponged paint in the kitchen. I made a special effort to get this done before this one year celebration. I have also finished painting the family room and the dining room. I have bought the paint/wallpaper for Jake's room and picked out the colors for Gabi's room. We have also decided on the new bedding for Olivia and will pick out her paint as soon as we get the new set.

So there, another milestone. Another day closer to closure. Closure of the Cleveland chapter. Closure on the rawness of our move one year ago. And a new acceptance of where we are and what we are supposed to be doing here (like I know that yet but am getting a good idea).

Reflections #3

If you haven't read #1 or #2, you need to do that.

And I guess today would be the real start of that band-aid ripping process. This was the day that the packers/loaders took 10 hours to load our moving van. They started at 11 a.m. and stopped at about 8:30 p.m. We would say good-bye to our house, life, friends, familiarity, connectedness and comfort zone of Cleveland for good.

Wow.

One year ago.

I stood at the end of the driveway, the sun set, the porch lights on in at the house, the garage light on inside the garage. The girls were with us. Jake was slowly on his way to join us, paused and then gingerly touched his fingers to the garage door and said good-bye. As I said one year ago, that memory will forever be burned in my mind. It hurt so much and seemed to be the embodiment of what we were all feeling.

I was glad that day was over one year ago and I'm glad today is over here in the present. It has a whole new meaning to me now. I can no longer say that "one year ago when we were in Cleveland" because from here on out, we've been here in Pennsylvania and done that in Pennsylvania.

Reflections #2

And another day of packing in my past. A year ago it was a Sunday. This would have been our last time in our church home. For some reason, I thought it would have been more painful than it was. More of a big deal, not only from my perspective but from our church families perspective. Yes, there were several people saying goodbye and wishing us well. I watched several times as families had left the church to move on to other ventures. They had been called up to the front by our pastor during the church service and he had said several things about how long they had been part of the church body and what their next chapter in life would hold. I had always said to my hubby during the time when we knew we were leaving that soon that would be us. I guess I was sort of shocked when we weren't invited up that last Sunday or even a mention of us leaving the church. Maybe that's why it was much easier to walk out of there without any tears.

By the time we got home after church, the packers had already arrived and most of the kids rooms were already packed. We spent the rest of that day doing last minute preparations for the actual loading of the moving truck the next day. We had a last night hoorah at Cheesecake Factory with our J.J. and her mom. She had taken the kids that day and the day before for the packing. I forgot about that.

As I look back on this day, I remember that it was my last night in Cleveland, in my house. It still hurts. And I pay homage to those feelings. I feel like I have to, like I need to, like those feelings are something that needs to be honored. It was one of the hardest things I had to do - there is something to be said for that.

Reflections #1

It was one year ago today that the packers came for the first day of packing up our house in Cleveland. I didn't know what to expect and was hoping that they would pack the basement first or some other unimportant room. To my surprise, they started with the kitchen. I had to run to the store for something and when I got back, most of my kitchen was in boxes. This was, of course, before I could yell, "HEY, STOP!!! I HAVEN"T GOTTEN THE THINGS I NEED TO!" Oh well, the next time I saw my hand vac was in kitchen box number 23 in Pennsylvania.

One year ago we were to have our final "Family Fun Nite" sponsored by our little town. It was to be a movie at dusk out on the lawn near the lake. Popcorn is free. Music is playing, pre-movie time. Crafts for the kids. And wouldn't you know it, the last time that we could enjoy this community event and it rained. That just stunk!!

This day wasn't as bad as the rest of the days to come and I knew that it was just the beginning of lots more pain. As I have heard coined from my sisters in the last couple of weeks, I just wished at that time that I could have just ripped the band-aid off and gotten it all over with instead of slowly pulling it off and enduring small, very painful pulls on my heart strings.

But today, in the present, I reflect on those memories of what happened on this day, one year ago. And to my surprise, when I open that box of memories, they are still painful. It still hurts and is still raw one year later. It makes me want to put the lid back on and leave it alone for a while, hoping that next year when I revisit these memories, they won't hurt so bad. But I know that that isn't smart. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of the memories being painful. I hope that as I reflect on the next three days and the memories that they hold from one year ago that it will be a healing process and a chance to let go and move on.

Camp Song

(sung to the tune of the original camp song)

Hello muddah, hello faddah
Here I am at Camp GrandMAMAMA
Camp is very entertaining
And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

I went biking with Little Maddy
She decided to go batty
You remember Wissy Woo Woo
She fell down and got a boo boo.

Take me home, oh muddah, faddah
Take me home, I hate Camp GrandMAMAMA
Don't leave me out in the forest where
I might get eaten by a bear.

All the counselors hate the busboy
He thinks the social director is his personal toy.
And the art director cheats at point time
If she doesn't watch it, she won't have a dime.

How I don't want this should scare ya
But my bunkmate has malaria
You remember Fishy Foo Foo
She's running around singing Moo Moo.

Take me home...I promise I will not make noise
Or mess the house with other boys.
Oh please don't make me stay
I've been here one whole day.

Dearest faddah, darling muddah,
How's my precious little bruddah
Let me come home, if you miss me
I would even let everyone hug and kiss me.

Wait a minute, it's stopped hailing.
Girls are swimming, guys are biking
Playing football, gee that's better
Muddah, faddah kindly disregard this letter.