Line In The Sand?

Soft, pliable, easily washed away. Sand.

It's an old adage. Why is it that people draw lines in the sand? Is it because it's easy. Is it because it's comfortable. Is it because it doesn't hurt and is without consequence. Is it because lines can be quickly drawn. Or is it because it can be easily moved. I believe all of it but mostly the latter.

It's been an interesting road. I don't even think I can count the number of times that I've moved that line.

'I'll allow it to get to this point and then stop.'

'I'm sure I'll never allow it to go this far.'

'If this ever happens, then it has to be over.'

Still, I crossed those lines, waited for the tide to come in to wash the line away and then jumped with both feet into new territory and drew a new line. And look where it has gotten me.

Those lines in the sand WERE easy. Those lines in the sand WERE comfortable. Those lines in the sand DIDN'T hurt and WERE without consequence. They WERE quickly drawn. And they most definitely COULD be easily moved.

I'm doing something different now. I'm trying out a new medium.

concrete

Concrete won't be easy. It won't be comfortable. It will hurt and it will have consequence. It will take a long time to draw. And once it's set, it won't be moved. It will hurt like nothing else has hurt in my life. It will leave scars because I will bleed. Those scars will take a long time to heal. But they will heal, I am confident of that. And once time has elapsed and my wounds have disappeared, I will always remember because I will have a constant reminder. But that line will be set, because it's in concrete, never to be crossed again.

What It Is

Why is that you go along in life thinking that you are so happy, then one day it all changes? I had felt that way for so long. I never said that 'other shoe' mentality wasn't there, cause it was, i just ignored it cause i was so happy with where i was in life. What could take it away? well, i found out.

I had always been the responsible one. The one that EVERYONE could depend on. I guess you could say it was, who I was. I was trained that way. One slip up could mean days of silent treatments or snide remarks. So, I decided to play it safe. And safe is how I played it. My entire life. Until one day, I had had enough. No more being the good one. No more doing what everyone else wanted. No more obeying the rules. I didn't want it anymore. I've been told that I never had a chance to have an adolescence. I guess they are right, cause I didn't. I didn't have time to get in trouble. I had a family to raise and care for. So, why do it when you are 37 years old, have a husband of 14 years and three children. Don't no. Ask Pam. She started it.

I never had time to find me. What I wanted. What made ME happy. But when I finally sat back and looked, I found it. And unfortunately, one person embodied that new change. It was wrapped in this one person. What I loved was rekindled. Cause when I was young, it was bad. My parent looked down on it, made fun of it, made fun of me. It was my passion and that parent didn't care-just stay out of trouble. What that parent didn't realize is that that passion is the ONLY reason I did stay out of trouble. So, here we are, this one person in my present reminds me how much I loved this passion and that at my age, I could still have it and have it better. And that's what I went for. Regardless of what everybody else felt. I didn't care anymore. I gave up fighting the old me who had to follow the rules. I just didn't care. I went for it. And found something that I had never experienced before, in more ways than one.... and that's where it got complicated.

What's important is that it's all gone, all of it. And I am almost forced back to the old me... i STILL don't want it anymore. I have no control of that. So, what do I do. I do what I do best. Go back to what I can control since all of it is out of control. I can control how I look. I can still go to the tanning booth to stay golden. I can watch what I eat so I stay slim. I WILL avoid gaining what I don't need. I WILL stay in tuned with my passion for as long as possible and then I will seek alternatives to stay toned so I can jump back in as soon as possible.

But what makes me so sad is those things that I can't control. Cause they are gone. Never to be had again. And that is tearing me apart. It's madness. Really, it is. Where's my straitjacket? I need one, i'm telling you. I'm not the same me. I never will be. I don't know if I will ever recover. And I guess that's okay but then where do I go from here. That's the million dollar question folks. Cause I don't know where to go. I get glimpses of me, the things that would make me smile and they still make me smile. But those moments are few. I would say that I'm truly lost. Searching for someone who isn't there anymore and trying my hardest to let go of those things I am forced to let go of - they aren't healthy I tell myself. They aren't healthy for you to be able to find you again. Telling my mind is easy - it's my heart I'm having a hard time convincing.