What It Is

Why is that you go along in life thinking that you are so happy, then one day it all changes? I had felt that way for so long. I never said that 'other shoe' mentality wasn't there, cause it was, i just ignored it cause i was so happy with where i was in life. What could take it away? well, i found out.

I had always been the responsible one. The one that EVERYONE could depend on. I guess you could say it was, who I was. I was trained that way. One slip up could mean days of silent treatments or snide remarks. So, I decided to play it safe. And safe is how I played it. My entire life. Until one day, I had had enough. No more being the good one. No more doing what everyone else wanted. No more obeying the rules. I didn't want it anymore. I've been told that I never had a chance to have an adolescence. I guess they are right, cause I didn't. I didn't have time to get in trouble. I had a family to raise and care for. So, why do it when you are 37 years old, have a husband of 14 years and three children. Don't no. Ask Pam. She started it.

I never had time to find me. What I wanted. What made ME happy. But when I finally sat back and looked, I found it. And unfortunately, one person embodied that new change. It was wrapped in this one person. What I loved was rekindled. Cause when I was young, it was bad. My parent looked down on it, made fun of it, made fun of me. It was my passion and that parent didn't care-just stay out of trouble. What that parent didn't realize is that that passion is the ONLY reason I did stay out of trouble. So, here we are, this one person in my present reminds me how much I loved this passion and that at my age, I could still have it and have it better. And that's what I went for. Regardless of what everybody else felt. I didn't care anymore. I gave up fighting the old me who had to follow the rules. I just didn't care. I went for it. And found something that I had never experienced before, in more ways than one.... and that's where it got complicated.

What's important is that it's all gone, all of it. And I am almost forced back to the old me... i STILL don't want it anymore. I have no control of that. So, what do I do. I do what I do best. Go back to what I can control since all of it is out of control. I can control how I look. I can still go to the tanning booth to stay golden. I can watch what I eat so I stay slim. I WILL avoid gaining what I don't need. I WILL stay in tuned with my passion for as long as possible and then I will seek alternatives to stay toned so I can jump back in as soon as possible.

But what makes me so sad is those things that I can't control. Cause they are gone. Never to be had again. And that is tearing me apart. It's madness. Really, it is. Where's my straitjacket? I need one, i'm telling you. I'm not the same me. I never will be. I don't know if I will ever recover. And I guess that's okay but then where do I go from here. That's the million dollar question folks. Cause I don't know where to go. I get glimpses of me, the things that would make me smile and they still make me smile. But those moments are few. I would say that I'm truly lost. Searching for someone who isn't there anymore and trying my hardest to let go of those things I am forced to let go of - they aren't healthy I tell myself. They aren't healthy for you to be able to find you again. Telling my mind is easy - it's my heart I'm having a hard time convincing.